Tuesday, July 24, 2007

anger management ...

they say you shouldn't bottle up anger
as the time bomb in your head might sound "danger"
so yeah , I'm at war , its called the blame-game
and its driving me quite insane .....

they ask "is something wrong"
the reason for emotions so strong ... ?
the reason for this discontent
tell us what it meant ; they say its quite evident !
but ultimately its me in the blame-game
and its driving me quite insane .....

they ask if its "that guy"
does this revolve around his lies ??
FYI- I'm happy for it , more than sad !!
being out of it makes me only too glad !!
but there are other reasons for this blame-game
and its driving me quite insane ....

they say "you're only a child"
every speculation , every argument makes your temper rise
this anger, this disrespect is not good !
but i feel I'm being grossly misunderstood .
so I'm torn between wrong and right....
confused if i should cow down or put up a fight
is it me or is it the whole world ??
the world against me , a mere girl ??

so i cant help but be caught in this blame-game
and it drives me quite insane ....

Monday, July 02, 2007

sadness . . .

sitting by herself in the worst of seats, her eyes shift through the faces for someone familiar . she turns around and flashes her friends a huge grin, who're too busily engaged in a funny conversation . she turns back, wondering what she's missing out on . "i could do with a couple of laughs .. " ,she thought , scowling .

you shouldn't make the mistake i made , ending up friendless ., mom had said to her ..

long bouts of loneliness always made her sad . life had taken a rather nasty turn when on 6th July , 1997 she was shoved quite unceremoniously into boarding school, under unavoidable circumstances . it was different to grow up like that , your formative years now in your own hands,having to go through boys , bunk-beds , evil wardens and swear words.she knew not many would've had a taste of all this in one go. for this , and this alone , she considered herself lucky - lucky for the experience.

having reached breaking point , it was time to ship out of the place.

the time after that was nothing worth mentioning . it went OK , at least , it was normal , as she called it . but who could deny that things hadn't changed . her parents still thought she was the same kid they had left at the boarding school years back, the innocent little kid with the Bambi eyes and two plaits .

the sudden brake made her snap out of her reverie. "why do i have to go visit those thoughts now ..." , she thought. truth of the matter was , loneliness was a terrible thing . how would it be to go through life and never have a best friend . when the mind is littered with thoughts . the head is heavy and the heart is sad and lonely, and you have no one to turn to, the truth dawns on you. spending your life as a loner (which i consider is 2nd most depressing after having to see old men with crinkly eyes pulling those horrible carts in the sun .. i cant see such things . it gets me terribly depressed ) devoid of anyone to call your own , though you might be the most popular person in your circle.

no one confesses , but there are too many loners out there , all craving for someone to talk to, to hang out with,to perhaps fight with . a friend .. who'd probably do a thing for you , sacrifice here while being a bit cheeky there .

i wish the world would open their eyes , come out of their shells, shed that snake skin, rip off the facade and present themselves with warm ( and so what if toothy ?? :) ) smiles on their faces . reach out to those who you think need you, need someone. life sucks for many , yet life nevertheless goes on with them peeling their eyes for the first few signs of the morning rays , which will soon be enough to blind them with its sheer brilliance ..

she awaits her ray of hope ... like many many

Friday, January 12, 2007


Why do the powers-that-be have to be so unfair ... Consider this- isn't being poverty-stricken bad enough? That coupled with illiteracy and insecurities of all kinds ... Why , I ask, why do some people have to strruggle, go through depressed lives, have nothing to look forward to tomorrow and nothing to feel satisfied and happy about from the day that has passed? and for those few whose optimism and "a new day wil bring new cheer" ideology keeps them going - what if the future has nothing in store for them? wat if they go through ten more yrs of their lives , being under-achievers , "losers"? is .... it .... fair ???

is there a limit to being optimistic ? can too much optimism just make you a dreamer , building castles in the air? dreaming of some place that doesnt exist??

is it just someone's .... bad luck? ?

wat makes one a "loser"?

is everything just judged on a comparitive basis ? are there no "losers"... no "winners" ? maybe just people... trying ... and a few succeding ?

so should you stop running , chasing that dream and say- i've come this far and this is all I am able to do .. and I cant get any further ... so i'm giving up.. should you do that? and perhaps turn into a coward ?
or ...
should you be arrogant , not stop running , tripping over , yes , but getting up and nudging and tripping everyone else because you think or rather you KNOW you are the best?

arrogance or cowardice? ... ego or humility? . . .compassion or indifference? ... concern or detachment ?

winners ... or losers ??

Saturday, September 30, 2006


i'm an ordinary person ... dont do anything remrkable in my life currently .. pretty run-of-the-mill types .. i got a brain thats fond of thinking about every damn thing i can ( and cant *sob sob*) lay my eyes or hands on .. my friends say i got something to say about everything ... i dont wanna change ... so what , one may think , is the point of these rantings ??!!
for starters , they aren't entirely rantings ... on a comparitive basis i'm content with things ... anyone having internet access and reading this is better off than a famished family in africa (so this is ur moment to send a tiny prayer of thanks up above ) ... but things suck and i cant help but cribbing sometimes ...
sometimes i go paranoid (PMS??) i ask my self over and over - gosh , am i useless or am i useless ?!! 'cause i do nothing substantial ... yeah k , i can sing,i can make a fool of myself, do a difficult dance step while sitting in a crowded bus ... ummm.. i can embarrass the shit out of my friends by shouting out loudly to some arbid guy- "who are youuuu?!!!" .. now where's it taking me? i sometimes have the urge to read everything i can lay my hands on , my sudden thirst for knowldge overwhelms me .. sometimes, i'm just so out there- after having spent some time with a spl someone, listening to my fav music, or having people say - hey suks, that was one awesome gd.. thumbs up :) ... sometimes , i'm down in the dumps- arguments, disagreements with peolpe u never wanna fight with, looking at someone , lying so peacefully on the ground- only difference between u seeing that person yesterday and today is that today , that person has all the life sucked out of him.. he's dead ... and u can keep looking knowing nothing can bring him back ... its like this mountain of bad times jus breaks open on u ... a lil' something u've been wanting is yours and u go yay :) only to realise ur excitement is short lived as it decides to play hide and seek with you, and u cant get yourself to accept 'its gone , u've lost it and noone's going to return a 4 GB pod to you'... wat ensues is a near-hell experience .. during these times i lie in bed thinking- great!!! can my cieling please cave in , 'cause that would be the icing on the cake!! pah!!

so .now ( dont worry i'm not biting anyone's head off :-/ ) things 've somehow settled ... i'm happy now .. nohting's really bothering me (ummmm... well ... i cant telll you the stuff that is, that goes into my personal diary ;) .... ) but i just wish , i wish for one day , i was on my own ...doing things my own way ... going crazy ... climb on a bilboard or a bus and make a scene .... go for a drive at two in the morning ....... put the volume on full and try hearing my own voice singing above the din ... woooooooooooooohoooooooooo ... then i'd say - yeaaaahh , bayybey :D

Sunday, May 21, 2006


I have this queer habit.. I tend to search in my mind’s music library for a song fitting the present scenario.. So this was no different.. Here I was ,clutching this sleek little pistol in my hand , looking at this slumped figure in front of me, like suddenly someone’s going to knock some life into it , or like as though a poisoned dart had put it in some kind of slumber .. but it wasn’t a poisoned dart , it was a bullet , or bullets , I couldn’t remember , that I had fired .. and then Steven Tyler sang .. “ jenny’s got a gun … jenny’s got a gun .. run away run awaaaay from the pain “ soulfully , in my head ..
I shook my head as though I was driving away a persistent fly … what had just happened??? I looked around , and everything flashed past my eyes .. an armchair, toppled over ….. Yes , I had thrown it in a fit of rage ; an open drawer and evidence of some thorough rummaging .. I had opened it , searched for …. And then I felt the cold, shiny , metal in my hands … the body sleeping peacefully .. yes , fast asleep .
The dead body..
I shot her down ..
Two shots, so effortlessly carried out yet so deafening , piercing through the ugly silence that filled the room , permanently fixing that expression that had marred her face , only a few minutes back, like a photograph ..
Fear had gripped us both …
Then they came , those ugly, rough hands that grabbed me , that pulled me away from her , I scanned the sea of faces , cold and expressionless , looking for mercy , for sympathy … but all they returned were icy stares .. lights flashed .. Were these people the police ? yes , it was a police car.. “ I shot the sheriff …” another song from my music library … it was night , there was rain … where were daddy , and sis?? And mum??
purple haze , up in my brain , lately things don’t seem the same
i shot her down .. that’s why she wasn’t around .. oh, those fights .. how did it turn out to be so bad this time …??
I saw them , daddy and sis , arms crossed over their chests .. they looked away … help me , I screamed , but their gaze was blank. the patrol car’s lights, dancing off their faces …
D .. I .. S .. C .. O
they shoved me into a car , those men with ugly, rough hands … they shook their heads … “aye , this wretched child , shot her own mother down “
what had I done????
I just curled up in the car’s backseat, pairs and pairs of beady eyes peering into the window like I was the last of some endangered species … I closed my eyes to the scene I was witness to .. but they didn’t let me sleep , wake up , wake up !! they screamed .. watch the news … huh??? News??? ….
I eased my eyes open , it was all bright around me ..
BREAKING NEWS – minister shot dead by own brother …
“ would u just look at that ??” , mum exclaimed , shaking her head … “ and you , young lady !! what’s the meaning of u just curling up and going off to sleep ?” I looked around , it was just like how it had been five minutes back in my head .. the slumped mass.. clothes in a heap , of course !! the toppled chair .. I was shooting hoops !! the open messy drawer .. I was cleaning it up .. the radio crackling the last bit of the old hit “ D .. I .. S .. C .. O “ …
it all fitted in …!!!
And all it took was two shots on my dartboard … bull’s eye !!

Monday, April 24, 2006

i hate it!!!

There’s this really charming song in the sound of music… where Julie Andrews sings “ …. these are a few of my favorite things .. “ . so I just thought I’d get even ( and evil ) here .. type out a few of the things I HATE , don’t like, get irritated with .. call it ugly , call it boring , its MY list .. and yeah, its awesome the kind of updations this list can get , and at intervals of hours or even yrs .. here goes ..

What makes me go eweee .. (concise version)

#1. mosquitos .. honestly I wonder why they’re put on our planet earth .. they’re horrid lil parasites , n they make me SICK (literally !!) .. and pearl jam’s song red mosquito couldn have been worded better – ‘ .. I was bitten , must’ve been the devil ..’
#2. ppl with nail polish peeling-off .. yup, that’s def putting-off..
#3. successful ppl .. call me jealous but it’s a fact.. most of us kind stand ppl who’ve got it all
a) a lil’ subdivision here .. I jus find it too unfair when ppl who don’t deserve stuff get it .. blame it on the-powers-tat-be ..
#4. fussy girls.. yeah, so u put on a ¼” around ur ankles !!! big deal girl, get a life …
a) again, ppl who’re picky wit food.. n mind u there’s a huge difference bet portion-control and totally denying urself FOOD !! how… and most importantly .. why????
#5. ppl who make it obvious they’re sizing u up.. do u mind??? Be more subtle … LEARN the art!!!
#6. bad hair days.. for me that just equates to bad day!!
#7. the fake accent .. visiting the states for a month does not entitle u to roll ur r’s .. these freak-shows most seen on biz-tv ..
#8. song sequences.. yeah fine!! They do build up the suspense in movies, but could we please get on wit the climax, coz its getting totally ruined ppl!!
#9. despos … for those who believe the world’s made up of two kinds of ppl – with bf’s/gf’s and without .. spare me !!
a) a category worth noting… noisy flirts .. they roam around wit a cap that’s got ‘hey , I’m flirting’ and sadly , u wont realize it even then ..
#10. girls who call each other ‘da’ .. only got one thing to say- please , no ‘da’-ing me now!! Eweee!!
#11. when even an XL size looks like it wouldn fit a toddler !! don’t manufacturers think outta the box, like , everyone may not be miss.skinny??!!
#12. over-dressing … its jus college, not the opening nite of India fashion week!
#13. when the power goes off in the middle of the nite … I could screaaammmmmmm!!!
#14. guys in tite pants .. not giving details here …
#15. cars that turn on their hi-beam … whoa!!!! Stop charging towards me lathat , wil u???
#16. grumpy profs … aaargh .. I’m not ur punching bag!!
#17. grumpy older sibling … again, aaaargh! I’m not ur punching bag!!
#18. style at the cost of discomfort (or the other way around) .. . honestly its not my kinda thing ..
#19.weekend tv .. it sucks … n it doesn make sense either .. the two days u’re home , n they show crap… nothing … zilch ..
#20. ppl who use the ‘f’ word all the time … its not coool .. I repeat , its not coool!!!
So , a concise list (that btw, didn’t take that much of an effort ) .. and yeah, contributions will be accepted whole-heartedly :)
Ciao …

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

mind games

The other day , I was doing the usual run-of-the-mill stuff… which included me writing down the following word- result . as usual I had music on, n was not too into wat I was copying down (feel like a loony when I’m doing eyes-wide-shut copying) I saw myself writing down REST instead of RESULT … which got me thinking …
Boy, could my subconscious mind be more obvious???!!!! I wrote down wat I so badly wanted .. some respite from this stupid everyday, some relief from my college-home-college life .. maybe I shud read s’thin everyday , or get more music into my head .. or its jus one of those days .. where I’m never really satisfied, even if I’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime (or a a time lesser than that )
Things cleared up soon, I stopped letting my subconscious self come into my writing .. one of those days eh?? Guess so .. J